Who am I ?

Hi, I updated and revamped my blog, congratulations you can savour a little colour now that...
Up Above the world so mache, my title is inspired by my Nephew's garbled words. This a classic, my 2 year old nephew, Master Vedu used to sing song Twinkle-Twinkle in this way....he had sth peculiar, he'w garble the whole thing to his worthy liking and speak only that way, like Goji, for a doggi....he made an "O", as if making a flower...But alas, his creativity had to be nipped in the bud, feel bad...he must still be creative, but we must tame him! When we don't have reasons, anything said several times and it will be believed. So that's not a difficult task now, moreover it is outsourced to schools nowadays!!
I just wish one thing, I dont like it when anybody loses herself in the whole mad world, I hate it when I get that wretched feeling that I may lose myself in this whole manouevre! That's me-Chintamani-Ettishri Rajput-Yes that is my real name!!

TodayI talked to mamma bout different swamis and yogis like swami Vivekanand, or Yoganand Paramhansa, why can't we be like them? She said they are divine souls!! Aren't we...no I did not ask that, but still, we can be good at whatever we do! Right...I still have to improve a lot in all areas of life. When that is not the easiest thing to do, it is the only one possible! Why is it so difficult to improve our self???
BIG Question?
First why is it so difficult to admit that we need improvement?

Second, why is it so hard to believe that we can be better?

Third, Why do we love ourselves so much, with so many faults, we excuse ourself, which is undoubtedly important, but never learning to forgive somebody else?

Four, In your mistakes why do I not see myself, In your gain why do I see my loss, in your pleasure why do I see my pain?? (In me don't you see yourself?)

Five, why do I blame others, There is good story here! A man, paralysed, lying on his deathbed spoke to his wife thus,"you were there with me when I was fired from my job, when my mortgaged home could not be salvaged, when that happless accident mutilated my right arm, when my business could not seem to work and at the end was foreclosed, you were there all through! Now I realise you only brought me Bad luck!"

Why do I never seem to be able to get hold of myself, the self-elusive self?

And when I do, why is it so difficult to follow through with myself, with somebody else it is always easy?
Why why why the heck!
Because, probably I feel that I am already so good...smetimes I feel If all of us would some how had been made ina way that we would be able to see our own face in all else's...there wouldn't be much of the chaos that dwells here! as Gulzar says "chalo hum sab aayine pehne".

Probably, I do know about my ineffeiciencies and i successfully hide them under the drapes of Maya, saying "Ok am bad...is he/she any better"!
Here Iam okay you're okay helped me- It says "Blaming your faults on your nature doesn't change the natre of your faults"
We want to "reform"our spouse, our kid, some co-worker, but who is eluding us...not the world, neither its realities....we always elude ourselves. This "I", who keeps eluding me, is a fucking coward, it never likes being brought to justice but I am a diehard litigator...atleast for others , then who is this "Me"who does not like what I seemingly like, who wins when i lose, who is the part of the problem that resists correction? WHO AFTER ALL IS THIS ME?

Why NO Questions??

This seems to be a national policy!! I know one thing that when a teacher teaches and there are no questions from students, believe me, only one thing is happening, the entire purpose of education is being derailed in to mere indoctrination of "Preferable" answers.
I can stand having no answers , this from my self, but I am in grave danger if I have no questions, and why, there are a plenty of questions in my mind right now, not because I am trying to prove my intelligence, I f there is any, but that I know that here i am for some reason and I got to find that reason out!!
As kids , when Our Moral Science Teacher, Rev. Fr. Mendiburu was taking our first class, he asked us...60 of us, to write one question each, which we most dutifully did!!
What wonderful questions those were, and what immense possibilities they ushered in!!
One girl asked who is God??
another, If God made us, Who made God??
I like a wannabe, asked a question that an older coz of mine used to ask...What is the reality of Life??
Too precocious for a 14 year old!! and now I feel that after asking those questions, we forgot them, as if entrusted them to the authority of an unknown design!!
Now I realise that there is nobody who can answer aour questions other that ourselves!! Believe me Nobody!! but first we should have questions...I see some old people who have almost forsaken any questioning nature, if it ever existed, nothing else makes me so livid and dismayed as this...I hope I keep asking Questions , If not to others then t omyself, Answers are not vouchsafed, but then the teacher appears when the student is ready!! I hope all of us ask questions...I even wrote a poem on questions, I will post it later, For now!!!
bear with my too much of I, I , I stuff, I am not a megalomaniac, just trying to comprehend myself before I can see anything else!!
This really seems difficult!!